Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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