Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
