I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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