Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I had to cum in my sink.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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