i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
