Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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