The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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