Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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