My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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