My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
