What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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