I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
