just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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