Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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