another moral hangover. fuck.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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