you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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