Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
