Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
