I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
