So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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