I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize