I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
