I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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