im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i already hear my dad disowning me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
