Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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