Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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