I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We had sex on a dog bed..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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