Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
