Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
