I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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