I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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