Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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