She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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