I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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