Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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