I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
