I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
