Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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