She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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