Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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