She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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