come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
