Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
