Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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