Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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