I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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