no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
