Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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