I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
