She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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