In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
