omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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