im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
