My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
