apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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