i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
