I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
