Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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