On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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