george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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