The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
