you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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