dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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