who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
