About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
